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Dear Dr. Wong,
how r u? (can't think of anything else to say to start off my email.) hope u don't mind my slang. we've known each other for so long, right? i juz wanted to inquire ur opinion on some issues that i have had trouble dealing with lately and i decided that seeking ur psychological expertise in the field of naturally bodily functions will be the best way to go. let's get down to business, shall we? i have a problem... a pretty big one, in fact. it's kinda embarrassing... i don't know how to begin really... hmmm... well, here goes nothing... i... i... i have some... well, quite a bit of trouble... errr... doing my "business", so to speak... i think the excretion part is... well... it just doesn't seem to be working very well... not very smooth for some reason. what do u suggest for me to try in order to improve my system? i remember passing by Dodo's Do-It Yourself Decor the other day and noticed this waterfall wallpaper they had on display. wow! was that an amazing sight ever?! i was so mesmerized by its beauty that i could practically imagine myself right there by the waterfall, listening to the birds chirping, the trickling of water cascading down the majestic mountains, the serene sounds of nature, the refreshing smell of spring... awww... what an experience!! it's the absolute ultimate! trust me on this one! u gotta stop by that store and try it for yourself sometime. but anyway, getting back to my problem. would u recommend me to purchase the waterfall wallpaper and redo my bathrooms with them? i was also thinking of purchasing a fish tank or aquarium of some sort. perhaps the water sounds will assist me in triggering my body system to function better? what do u think? should i get a plumber to "fix up" my toilet so that it automatically flushes on 30 second intervals? maybe that way, i would feel like i'm doing "a good job" even if i might juz be "stuck". i also discovered some towels at Fun Fun Terry Shop that had huge, funky toilet paper stencils on them. i was thinking of buying some and hanging them on my towel rack. that way, i would be facing these lovely towels while i "do my stuff". i'm even thinking of installing a device on my towel rack that would keep the towels spinning and rotating. wouldn't that be cool? it'll be like virtual toilet paper rolls! i'm not actually using them, but i'm gonna feel as if i am! heehee! no refills necessary! i'm simply brilliant, ain't i? *applause applause* thank u, thank u! c'mon, admit it, doc! i know u're juz itching to do the exact same thing!! but if u do, don't forget to credit me with the originality of the idea, 'k? good, good! where was i? oh yes... my body system's lack of response... do u think that it's wise to have some sort of ocean sounds in the background as i attempt to "perform my functions"? i have in mind a system where upon flicking the light and air ventilation switches, sounds of waves gently washing up against the rocks along the shore would come on. think that helps? or would i juz end up falling asleep in bliss surrounded by such picturesque waterfalls and handy dandy toilet paper rolls? uh oh! what if i drowned in the oceans from above and below? what if my toilet started to flood? then i'll be blended in with the washroom... that means no one can identify me among the tumultuous waves??!! man, who's gonna come rescue me? would u do it, doc? would u save me from my H2O slumber? pls? pretty pls with a cherry on top??? speaking of cherries, i had the BEST cherry cheesecake the other day! ummm... the delicious taste still lingers in my mouth... *licking my lips* yum yum! what a tastebud rollercoaster that was!! hey, i think i heard from someone that ur pear allergies have been cured! what a miracle?! according to my sources, u were flying around the empire state building in some sort of blue outfit, with a red cape. there was some sort of red and yellow symbol on ur chest as well... with a letter "s"? what's that all about? does the "s" stand for "slick"??? anyway, i heard that there was a pear stuck on the top of the empire state building and u had to go rescue it. and the only way u can do that is by taking a bite. that sorta reminds me of snow white taking a bite out of her wicked stepmother's half-red, half-green apple, but anyway... u took a bite and... BTW, what kind of pear was it? "snow pear"? those are my favourite!! so, u didn't feel oozy at all after eating it? wowwy! u're good! guess u can start eating pears from now on. if u need help slicing off the skin, juz let me know, 'k? i can contact an assistant of mine to help u with that. she's been in peeling training for weeks now! so, she is 100% prepped... though u can't blame her if u only end up with half a pear. so, rumour has it that u've been fiddling around with electrical stuff lately. r u sending voltages thru ur precious pears again??!! doc... u know that ain't too healthy... especially since i had sources telling me that u eat them afterwards! oh well, none of my business, i guess. anyway, thanx 4 listening to me blabbing on and on and on... take care and i'll get in touch with u again to keep u updated on my "body situation". thank u for ur time!
yours truly,
Lisa H. F. Tang =) -- a smiley face juz for my favourite doc!
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