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Dear Mr. President of the Lifesavers Company,
i have been a loyal customer of yours for years now. as long as i can remember, i have been sucking, licking, chewing, biting, swallowing, and playing with lifesavers. =) uh huh, that's right! but i have some questions that i would like u to resolve in order for my confusion to subside. lifesavers. that's quite a name, u know. lifesavers. wow! are these candies actually capable of saving lives? would u actually suggest me to carry lifesavers around so that i can help people? i'm not talking about those big donut-shaped air-puffies that u c at a beach, i'm talking about your candy, which once melts, gets all stuck together... i think it would be pretty tough to carry those air-puffies around with me all the time anyway. where would i put it? hook it to my knapsack? wear it around my neck like a necklace? around my waist like a hoola hoop?! over my shoulder like mountain-climbing rope??!! as for ur candy... ummm... melts in my mouth... *smacking lips* sticky sticky goo goo... strawberry, watermelon, orange, kiwi, lemon... what a blend! (forgive me for sounding like the fruit loops commercial, i simply could not resist...) =) ooooohhh... but on a hot sunny day, that's a completely different story... it's gonna melt and get stuck in my pockets!! that's not good... =( how can i save lives then??? i can't juz pop it into people's mouths anymore. hmmm... what can i do? *scratches head* eureka!! we-ell... maybe, just maybe... i can blend ur candies into juice and carry it around in my water bottle!!! yeah! isn't that absolutely brillant??? i would just like to bring to ur attention this novel idea of mine. here is what i have in mind. as the millennium is fastly approaching, u probably would want to put out some new products for this special moment of time, correct? of course, i am right! anyway, u can attract consumers by hosting a GBP! no no, it's not a political election of any sort, it's just a "Grand Blending Party"!!! yup yup! u can send out invitations all over the globe to seek people who would be interested in helping with the blending of lifesavers into juice. the first 1000 people who reply will be the sole participants in this unique one-time project. what instruments will we be using for the blending, u may inquire? very simple and cost-effective! FINGERS!!! u got that right! FINGERS! not yours... not mine... but these 1000 people's! =D i'm good, eh?
here are the 10 easy steps:
STEP #1 - fit a different flavour of lifesavers on each of ur fingers on ur left hand (wear them like rings).
STEP #2 - do the same with ur right hand.
STEP #3 - have one of ur subordinates prepare a sufficiently large cauldron filled with clean, fresh, drinkable water.
STEP #4 - the 1000 people will be divided into groups of 20 (so, 50 groups in total).
STEP #5 - number the groups from 1-50.
STEP #6 - group 1 surrounds the cauldron and dips their fingers into the water; start creating stirring motions with ur hands.
STEP #7 - wiggle ur fingers! very important!! (might help for the candies to dissolve faster...)
STEP #8 - when the hour is up, the next group will proceed.
STEP #9 - groups will continue with steps #6-8 in numerical order until all 50 hours of stirring have been accounted for by the 50 groups.
STEP #10 - proceed to the washroom to wash ur colour-stained hands; flex ur arms and fingers to ease the pain; and go home! please! i beg u. ur work has been done and u r released from ur duty. got it? excellent!
that concludes the 2+2 (2 day + 2 hours) Blending Marathon a.k.a. the Grand Blending Party (GBP). and there u have ur new product!! drum-roll please... *drumming drum drum* thank u, thank u! introducing the brand spanking new super duper ultimate fruit punch... DEATHRESCUERS!!! yeah baby! the candies can save lives and the drink won't lose its effect either... it can rescue people from death! smart, eh? =) along the same lines but with a new twist! twist and shout... la la la... yeah, man. the beatles rock!! anyway, i knew that u would agree! so, how about this? for every bottle of deathrescuers that a customer purchases, i get 30% of the profit? that's a good deal for ya, u know! so, i'll be waiting to hear about ur advertisements on the Grand Blending Party. i'll also be expecting my cheque in the mail once this stupendous idea takes off!! awww... u don't have to thank me now, though that's very thoughtful of u. *curtsy curtsy* consider that u owe me a favour some time in the near future, 'k? no prob. bro! i'll keep in touch just to make sure that those periodic cheques are coming through. u take care now, mr. prez of lifesavers. i'll be back! don't worry, i won't keep u waiting long. just keep me posted on the development of deathrescuers and i'll be as happy as a peach! make that a fuzzy wuzzy peachy peach! yeah! alright, i have more business to take care and more extraordinary ideas to think up, dream of, and kick into place. until next time, my dear friend! i promise that i will continue to support and indulge myself in ur products. have no worry! ciao ciao now!
best regards,
Lisa W. C. Tang
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