|
Dear Dr. Jiggalo,
how's it going, my dear doctor? i would like to call ur attention to a dilemma that i am currently experiencing. as a world-renown chiropractor, i'm certain that u would be able to offer me some sound advice and assist me with my problem with ur acquired expertise. u c, sir, this is no ordinary problem. do not brush me aside as ur bruised rotten banana cases, which u get a dozen a day. i'm afraid my dilemma triggers fear from most people and awe from a handful of others. (i do have a bunch of admirers, but let's leave that for now.) my trouble - double-jointedness, perhaps even triple-jointedness, if that's possible. yes, that's all. sounds quite simple, but i assure u, it is not all that simple. the feats that i am able to accomplish even make myself amazed and disgusted at the same time. my "audience" never cease to show their appreciation, but i'm not sure if this is the kind of career i wish to continue pursuing. allow me to demonstrate what i can do. (please try ur hardest to picture this in ur head, for ur own benefit really... in order to truly grasp and understand my situation.) i can bend my back forwards and backwards 180 degrees, bend my thumbs back, bend the top joint of my fingers back while keeping the rest of my fingers straight, bend my fingers to the back of my hands, bend my toes to my shin, bend my heels to my calves, bend my legs behind me and dangle them over my head or shoulders, bend my head till it touches my head... i'm basically just a Bendable Machine??!! uh huh! i ain't lying, doc. i can give u some pictures of proof if u would like to take a look. (those aforementioned tasks are only a few of my regular specialties, i can do more but feel that i would be exhausting ur email inbox space if i supply u with a complete list of my capable acts. please forgive me. if u would like me to conduct a private screening of my talents (which i'm only permitting because u r my nice, wonderful chiropractor), please feel free to contact my company manager, Mr. Hick, to work out the details. he can be reached at (YAY) IMA-HICK, which is (929) 462-4425) i'm not trying to advertize at all, my friend. but just thought that it might be a point of interest for u. anyway, i really am very concerned. is it healthy to be able to do all these "stunts"? is it human? i'm not at all sure. people have called me really crazy and nasty names: boneless fish... jiggly jello... flexy slime... outerplanet man... freak show... spineless alien... just to name a few. as u can imagine, i am quite perplexed by this. i remember the first time my "performance" took place. everybody did a double-take. (i swear i saw the heads moving in sync.) i literally blew them all away... the surprise expressions on their faces accompanied by their wide-open mouths added to the thrill. but also added to my chill. and now i wonder... perhaps i should stop shocking and freaking people out for a living... u c, i actually hold two occupations: this "entertainment" profession at Wacky Weirdos and a position at Soft Touch, where i'm known as Luscious Lily, who has the "magic touch" when i do my massages. the pay's okay for both... more tips for the second job, of course, being known as LL and all... heehee! *nudge nudge wink wink* know what i'm saying, doc? =) i have to really really resist the urge to show off my bendable skills at work though. don't want to scare off my customers, if u know what i mean. there's flexibility, and there's FLEXIBILITY... plus, i just want to help them ease their tension and relax their muscles. NOT teach them my skills or cause them to faint. but it's sooo difficult. man... sometimes i would be on the verge of doing one of my many bendable moves and... well, let's just say that fortunately, i have been able to catch myself in time before inducing unconscious in a "potential victim". so, what do u suggest i should do? is there any medication that u can prescribe for me to take? some sleeping pills perhaps? anything to wear me out and keep me down? (so long as it does not interfere with my ability to massage, i will take the medicine.) if u have other colleagues whom i should contact, please inform me! i really need ur honest-to-goodness opinion on this matter. it is very personal indeed. being the "outcast" is not all that fun at times. yeah, u make ur $$ and all... but people come to watch u because they want to be frightened??!! i don't know how much longer i can deal with it... the stress, the pressure from mr. hick, everything... do u think that i will lose both my jobs when i get old? hmmm... i don't want that to happen. how can i go on living when i can't even make a living anymore? boohoohoo... doc, help me... help me please... i'm scared... please cure my condition... please... i beg u, dr. jiggalo... i'm desparate! btw, have i told u about my partner/sister michelle? i don't think i did. well, mich (that's what i call her) is my big sis. she's great, she's wonderful, she's the best! we're sooo much alike! but she's not quite as "flexible", so she's mostly just my assistant in my acts (Wacky Weirdos, NOT Soft Touch, please do not be mistaken... after all, there can only be one Luscious Lily). anyway, mich helps me with the twisting and switching of arms and legs, head and feet, fingers and toes, etc. just to keep the audience on the edge of their seats and have a program that flows naturally. au naturel is the best, n'est-ce pas? everything has got to be fluid, u know. anyway, even if u don't want to come check me out, u r still most welcomed to see my big sis. (i'm aware that u have been having trouble attracting the opposite sex with a last name such as yours.) mich is awfully pretty... nah... that's putting it too mild. she's drop-dead gorgeous. but that's not all. she's funny, witty, smart, talented... the list goes on and on and i can just talk forever about all her good points. so, if u want me to hook u up or something, i can certainly do that. i wouldn't even consider this to be a favour cuz i'm no dating or matchmaking service, but this much, i can do just for u, doc. we'll cut a deal, 'k? i introduce u to mich, u slap me with some good antibiotics or whatever to heal me. sounds fair? excellent! contract sealed. we've got a deal! alright then. now that it's been taken care of, i have no other information to divulge. best of luck with mich and have a good day!
looking forward to ur reply,
Lisa W. C. Tang a.k.a. Luscious Lily =)
P.S. pls do come for a massage some time! Soft Touch (and i) provide the best top-quality service!
|
