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Dear Dr. Skinhead,
today, i have decided to commit myself to writing this email to u. believe me, it took an ENORMOUS amount of courage and effort to get started and sincerely hope that u will treat this as an important and unique case, putting aside all ur biases, prejudices, and all other preconceived notions and misconceptions of everything on this planet, which can mislead u and deprive u of fully understanding and accepting what i have to disclose to u this day. (of course, u r still entitled to a right, well, a privilege, for personal interpretation.) whew! now that that's out of the way... let's get down to business! doc, i have a couple of dilemmas. only a couple right now, but i'm sure they are enough to shock u, disgust u, even chew u up and spit u out! =P first of all, i have some inquires regarding my dear beloved rat, Squeaky Clean. (yes, he not only constantly squeaks, but also grooms himself "regularly".) recently, i have noticed some very disturbing features of Squeaky, which is very very SAD indeed... (SAD as in Stupid And Disgusting). my dear doctor, i don't even know where i should begin describing SC... but let's get started. he... well, he... he would go about his usual routine of exercising on the wheel for hours and hours and hours on end (literally) and i'm slightly perplexed by this constant activity. i'm afraid that SC is getting tired, but because he is oh so ignorant, he does not realize this and therefore does not stop when he is suppose to. if that's not SAD, what is? also, he seems to have trouble locating food and water, which has definitely triggered my concern. i'm alarmed and surprised that Squeaky is still alive?! that's not all! when he DOES find the food, he ingests it, then regurgitates it all back, but then juz eat and only, i mean, ONLY, eat the food that he has regurgitated?! =0 ewww... YUCK!!! that's SAD with a capital D! but i love him anyway. =) another troubling habit of SC is that he CONSTANTLY grooms himself! i know, i know. that should be a GOOD thing... but Squeaky... he... he... that's ALL he does besides running on the wheel... hmmm... is this "normal" by any means? i mean... he runs, he cleans, he doesn't sleep???!!! u think he's possibly sleep-deprived? i have a truly genuine concern for Squeaky, my dear Dr. Skinhead. it's been a deep wound of mine to see him do this day after day after day and i feel sooo helpless... boohoohoo... =( is there anything i can do to help SC? i love him, i really do... what kind food will he not eat and then throw up and eat again? i'm sure it's not because the food is not suited to his tastebuds. (not that i have personally tasted his food and discerned it for myself...) but i've been assured that what i'm feeding him is the top-quality brand food pellet! hmmm... maybe i should juz do away with all that jazz and hop over to get some Fruit Loops at a local supermarket or something. what do ya think? will that be beneficial for Squeaky? *sigh* and that's only the FIRST problem... the second one concerns ME... yup yup. u got that right! ME!! =( hmmm... how should i begin? deedeedee... dadada... no no, it has nothing to do with my singing capabilities (or lack of)... lalala... chachacha... well, doc, i guess i'll let u in on a lil' secret of mine that i have kept buried for eons... juz between u and me, 'k? (since we're tight and all...) but buddy, u gotta promise me that u will NEVER NEVER EVER tell anybody!! promise? let's shake on it! no no, better yet... let's do a pinky swear! *pinky swearing* good, good! well... the truth is that... i'm... i'm... i'm a genie... shhh... *looking left and right* don't want anyone to know, remember? no joke! i'm an authentic, 100%, as genie a genie u can get! i'm not kidding! honest to goodness! scouts' honour!! (hmmm... maybe not, i wasn't a scout. =0) but i prmoise! i swear to God! cross my heart and hope to die... the whole spiel... *sigh* but i'm juz a SAD, SAD (Stupid And Disgusting) case... stuck in this evil world known as earth, and can't do anything about it cuz i can only grant wishes to others and not myself... now, is that SAD or is that SAD?! *pause* it's SAD!!! *sigh... shaking head* what can i do, doc? would u help me? i'll offer to grant u 3 wishes, if ur 3rd wish will be one that says i will be able to escape from this SAD SAD world!! i'm serious! no strings attached! u can even search me! pls doc? i dunno how much longer i can take it being here on this SAD earth forever and ever... till the end of eternity... waaaaa... i want my mammy... errr... i mean... somebody... anybody... pls help me!!! 3 wishes!!!!! well, 2 to be more exact... but still... that's a grrreat offer, ya know! doesn't come by too often... like... ever! grab it while u can! or u're gonna miss out big time! c'mon babe! oh sorry, i mean, doc... let's strike a deal, shall we? otherwise, u will bare the regret and guilt that u never even attempted to save me for the rest of ur entire worthless measely little life and be condemned till the end of time!!!!! bwahahahaha!!! alright, alright. no pressure... no threats... juz free me! pls? pretty pls? any 3 wishes u can dream of and i'll make it come true! quick! easy! simple! (3 easy steps not necessary and thus not required.) hence... u want it? u got it!! DEAL??? anyway, getting back to my treasured, priceless, and invaluable SC... u c, unlike humans, i'm unable to grant a rat 3 wishes even though i'm already a Level 10 unbeatable super genie, equipped to do what most genies cannot even fathom to accomplish... =( *sigh* i'm sending u an SOS, doc. pls be considerate! pls be kind! follow ur heart and conscience, and HELP ME!! (and Squeaky, of course.)
best wishes from an ever-grateful genie,
Lisa W. C. Tang
(yes, genies have real names too...)
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