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Dear Mrs. Friedman,
u have written to inquire my expertise on study tips for ur sleep-prone child, chad, who is currently studying at the university level. i apologize for my honesty, but i'm surprised to hear that u have not approached me sooner. if ur child has been sleeping throughout his educational career and has actually made it to university... hmmm... and he still need study tips? hmmm... anyway, i should not make judgments. i have attached a step-by-step process that u should implement. i hope it will be helpful and will alleviate ur anxiety over ur child's lack of study habits and discipline. poor mom... (or should i say poor chad...) ahem... anyway, here are the 7 quick and EZ steps:
step 1: purchase my fool-proof study kit NOW!!! don't delay! otherwise, ur chad might end up... ummm... never mind... juz buy my package! trust me on this one!
step 2: u should relocate to a place where u will have close proximity to chad ASAP! (if u need help with this, i have resources that u may contact.)
step 3: pillows are a no-no during study time. snatch them away from him if he has one or more hostage! better yet, hide them, burn them, i don't care, juz get rid of them, women!! (no matter how much chad begs and whines... though technically, he shouldn't exhibit this kind of behaviour at his age).
step 4: every time that there is the slightest drooping of eyelids, a little sensor will go off and trigger chad to stay awake. (this is a bonus gift that comes with the package for the first 1000 consumers! =D)
step 5: have lots of good munchies available and be an entertaining enough conversationalist to keep ur child awake. (pls note that this is YOUR responsibility, NOT MINE!)
step 6: if step 5 fails, u r then allowed to use ur pinching or tickling techniques. (don't worry, i won't make snide comments about ur abilities as a mother if the previous step failed...)
step 7: if all else fails, do ur best to seek (with help from friends and family members, if necessary) an annoying alarm clock that has very loud ticking noises that no one can fall asleep to. (if u have trouble with this one, there is a limited offer of WC wakey-wakey alarms available for sale at the low low cost of $14.99, plus $2.50 for shipping and handling. pls include ur mailing address, the method of payment, and other vital information.)
yup yup. that's it! splendid, eh? ^o^ only 7 and not ur usual 10 steps. lucky 7 as they say! =) teeheeheeheeheehee... *clearing my throat* best of luck with ur child!! try not to get too stressed out over this. HE's the one taking the exams, NOT YOU!! =0 okee dokee? alright, so long my friend! any more questions u may have, pls feel free to direct them to nosleepforyourchild@wakeywakey.com and u will get a reply in the very near and close future! go to sleep and bye now! (and chad, if u're reading this... pls prevent ur mom at purchasing my kit at all costs!!!!! otherwise, ur life will be turned upside-down, topsy-turvy, and might possibly never experience sleep again!! *shudder* good luck, buddy! i typed this part in a lighter colour juz for u! hope ur mom's eyes are not sharp enough to catch this part! *high five* anything for u, meee-an! =P take care now and good luck to u!)
until next time,
Dr. Lisa W. C. Tang
1-900-NO-ZZZ4U
nosleepforyourchild@wakeywakey.com
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