What is friendship?

One has often heard the answer, "A gift from God."

However, perhaps it's a gift that God can giveth and taketh away.

How can a friendship withstand the test of time?

It seems there are no guarantees despite the trials endured and happiness shared.

Will our friendship be able to pass this test?

The many memorable moments gather in my mind as I reflect on this.

It scares me that I need to ponder such a matter...

And it saddens me to think that we might not be able to make it.

That when all things pass away after these few years together,

We can drift apart and feel like complete strangers as time goes by.

It pains me that I might end up falling back and merging with the others...

Those who do not truly know you.

That I am merely one of the many who have crossed paths with you,

And yet have been closed off from you.

But then again, how well do I really know you?

Maybe you have only shown me a side of you that you wanted me to see.

There may be so many parts of yourself that you have carefully concealed all this time.

Maybe I have only been privileged with more bits of information about you,

But still a long way from uncovering your inner-self and piecing together your puzzle.

What do I do now?

Should I let you go?

How?

I can hardly bear the thought...

Why do I get the sense that you are keeping a distance from me?

Are you afraid that I would be too caring?  Too controlling?

Or is it because you care more about what others say?

Do you find me annoying and wanting to know too much about you?

Or are you just insecure about your own identity?

When will you be able to open up and be true to yourself?

Why do you suppress so many things and keep everything hidden in your heart?

Your mind thinks so much, yet you share so little...

Why?

Are you not willing to take the chance of losing the idealistic presentation of yourself?

Is it difficult for you to reveal your vulnerabilities?

That you are no different from the rest of us?

Those times that you have confided in me...

Why didn't you turn to somebody else?

Why did you choose me?

Was I someone trustworthy enough to you that you were willing to share with me?

Or did I happen to be in the right places at the right times and cared enough to ask?

I don't know anymore...

Things you have spoken and written cross my mind as I write this.  All your promises...

Please don't tell me that our friendship has been based on lies and hidden truths.

That it's nothing more than a trap that I have fallen into and I've been willingly deceived.

That the fact is I hardly know you...

For you have only unveiled a small portion of your complicated and multifaceted self.

But how long will you guard your heart against all who know you?

It'll take a while before you can admit to yourself that you need to remove your mask.

In my heart I'm aware of that...

I just hope that all that you have shown me have not been a front that you have kept up.

That would really shatter the history we have made together,

For I thought that I was one of your closest friends...  Here, at least...

Has that changed because of our physical distance during the summer?

What happened to that connection we once possessed?

I thought we really had something.

We were so attuned to each other...  Is that no longer true anymore?

I know you need to be on your own because you still need to grow.

But does that mean I need to be shut out in the process?

Forgive me for caring so much...

Maybe I'm just being too foolish.

You have become such a big part of my life that...  that...

This ambivalence that is settling in my heart disturbs me a great deal.

I feel lost in the absence of our closeness...

The closeness we once shared in our friendship.

Has something happened to that relationship in the course of the past several months?

I thought that our friendship could withstand a reduction in communication...

What has led me to such beliefs?

Perhaps you have been trying to send me a message all this time...

I just didn't want to see it.

I just didn't want to believe it.

I really thought that we had a strong bond...

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I have been wrong all along...

Maybe my thoughts were too naïve.

Maybe I just wanted my dream to come true.

Maybe I was just unwilling to admit that I don't know you quite so well after all.

Maybe I just did not want to believe that there are other people who know you better.

I have known what it feels like to experience a close friendship that changed.

The sacrifice hurt me deeply...

I'm not sure if it's something I'm prepared to face again...  something so unfathomable.

Especially with someone whom I thought was a faithful friend and confidant.

Was it only my own wishful thinking?

I pray that our friendship was more than that.

I don't want to be the first one to take a step back,

But maybe it is what I need to do to wake up...

Perhaps I have been blinded for too long.

If our friendship can only be sustained by my initiation of contact all the time,

Then I suppose I possessed a distorted view of the depth of our relationship.

A view that I was all too willing to adopt...

God, what are You trying to tell me?

Is it time for me to move on?

Perhaps it is time for me to learn how to solely depend on You.

Help me to face this, Lord, and see Your purpose and reason behind this.

Give me the heart to care for others even if this relationship falls away.

I place my broken heart in Your hands...  a heart that has been broken time and again...

But Heavenly Father, You have accepted it every time.

Please forgive me for turning to another like me instead of to You.

Only You can truly comfort me and give me peace within.

Teach me to focus on You, to rely on You, to trust in You, and to have faith in You.

Guide me in discerning Your will and fulfilling the plans that You have for me.

Protect me, Lord.

I need You so much...

Without You, I would be nothing...  absolutely nothing...

Hold me close, Daddy...  Keep me safe in your warm embrace.

Father, show me how to love You and know You, obey You and serve You.

Lead me so that I can do these things with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

And I will not be shaken in this test of time.